Tomorrow, tomorrow I love you tomorrow you're only a day away!

Tomorrow is both sweet and sad for me.. Tomorrow is my husband's birthday.. we are going to celebrate with a few presents.. nothing big.. some framed photos for his office of the kids.. a cherry cheese cake.. then later we are going with friends to a jazz club he's been wanting to go to for months..

The sad part is that on the 7th in 2008 my ex-husband took his life.. this is not a fun post.. and if you don't want details stop reading.. None of us could see this coming.. he and I were not close after our divorce in 97.  He and the kids had a very strained relationship.. he blamed me but they were older and they knew what he was like.  I never talked badly about him even though he thought I did.. I encouraged the kids to see him.. the girls were older and there was no visitation order.. my son had a visitation order but Dad rarely showed up to get him.. I would have to call each month to set up dates for them to get together.. and even then he didn't show up.  My son was very angered by it.. and I don't blame him.. In our divorce hearing the judge asked why he needed a two bedroom apartment and he said because he needed a room for his son.. never happened.. that room was his office and storage room.. Adam slept on the couch with only a blanket.. Dana said he could sleep in bed with him but he said no.. so he slept on the couch with a pillow from his dad's bed and an old blanket.. no wonder he didn't want to go..

At some point.. maybe at 17 or 18 Adam said he would visit but not stay overnight.. There was no fight in that.. Maybe Dana was relieved.. He should have spent much more time with the kids but he didn't.  When Paige was getting married, Dana and his wife wanted to run the show but didn't want to contribute at all.. wanted to host events that I was not invited to.. Then Dana said he wasn't coming to the wedding because my husband would be involved and why not.. Paige and Peter had a relationship and he paid a lot for the wedding.. Dana and his wife didn't attend.. his family did and I'm so grateful for that and their support.

There is so much more to say about this but too much for one post.. at the end Erin and Adam were getting together with him but on their terms.. everything seemed to be going well.. and then on January 7th, 2008 we got the call that he was dead.. I will never forget hearing my girls crying and wailing on the phone and the anger in my son's voice.. I cried too.. for them and for him..

Of course we don't know the whole story.. his wife won't let anyone know what his last words were in the note.. but he drove down to a place by the river.. walked down a path.. spread out a blanket the two of us bought in Mexico.. and shot himself.. I cannot even imagine the pain he was in to do that.. There was a viewing.. I couldn't go.. it was too much for me.. I should have gone to support my children.. I was not invited to the funeral and told not to come but I went.. sat in the back with my brother and some friends.. I should have been brave and gone to the front and sat with my children.. It was like I was erased and the children were hers.. His family all sat with me at the reception.. and I know that irked his wife.. it was not my choice.. His mother called me the queen surrounded by her family.. believe me that did not go over well either..

People have asked if he knew it was my husband's birthday and I say yes.. others don't agree.. but he was very calculating.. I believe he knew and it was his last thing to say to me.. sad but true..

It's a sad thing to attach to my husband's birthday.. I will be forever connected with Dana.. we were married 21 years.. and have 3 children.. We wrote notes to him and burned them sending the smoke to heaven.. hoping he would know how we all felt.. I hope he has peace now.. and I hope the rest of us can too.. When I mentioned the date thing to my husband last night..  he said that if he did it on purpose because he knew it was Peter's birthday it might have been a positive thing.. that he was letting me go.. that he admired Peter and wanted us to be happy.. I hope that is the case.

What Am I Doing??

I have started washing the boys' bedding because they don't do it even when asked. I am washing the older boy's clothes because he apparently doesn't do it.. I've had to throw out 2 sets of bedding of his because even after washing they smelled.. It takes days to air out his room when he goes back to school.. Am I being a pushover?  Do it wrong enough times and she'll do it for me?? Or am I just being a nice mom?

I'm even going to iron his shirts.. what has become of me??  The older one used to be so rude to me.. really hated me and for no other reason than that I married his father.. I've always tried to be nice to them both, did things for them.. but I also gave them some structure and boundaries where they had none before.. The older one is almost 21.  I think he is beginning to see I'm not such a monster and is thankful for the things I do.  He of course will notice I've washed and ironed the clothes and changed his bedding.  He will say thank you.. I don't know if I just say you're welcome or tell him why I did it..  I did it for two reasons..  I care about him.. and I also want him to be clean.. I don't want him to feel like he is getting away with something and I'm hoping he will learn that it's better to take care of these types of things.

Two of my Favorite Men

Happy New Year

We had a fun dinner with friends.. it was early but that was ok.. We didn't make it to midnight but that's ok too!!  Just a fun night all around. I was in the shower and the door opened and my husband handed me a glass of champagne.. how cool is that?  We went here for dinner http://www.legendsatthenorthshore.com/

Doesn't look like much on the outside but very warm and cozy inside.. and GREAT food.  That's what I love about Pittsburgh.. so many little spots that look like nothing but are spectacular!

For Dinner Tonight

This was going to be dinner on Christmas Eve.. trying to go with the seafood theme.. We ended up doing something else.. so tonight is the night.

It's from About.com Busy Cooks/Linda Larsen

This simple and very elegant recipe takes only about 15 minutes to prepare, and it's special enough for entertaining.

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 10 minutes

Total Time: 20 minutes

Yield: Serves 4

Ingredients:

• 1 lb. frozen fully cooked shrimp
• 1/4 cup butter
• 1/4 cup olive oil
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 onion, minced
• 2 Tbsp. lemon juice
• 2 Tbsp. honey Dijon salad dressing
• 1 cup frozen baby peas, not thawed
• 3 cups hot cooked rice

Preparation:

Thaw shrimp according to package directions, and remove tails if necessary. Drain well and set aside.In large saucepan combine butter and olive oil and heat until foaming. Add garlic and onion and saute, stirring frequently, until crisp tender. Add shrimp and stir well. Cover and simmer for 1-2 minutes until shrimp are thoroughly heated.
Remove cover and add lemon juice, salad dressing, and peas. Cook and stir until everything is heated and blended. Serve over rice.

Years Ago

Yesterday would have been 35 years of marriage had we not split up.. I thought the sun rose in him and you can see it in the picture.. Young love.. old dreams.. it was not to be.. but he is the father of my 3 wonderful children.. he's not here anymore.. took his own life in 08.. his wife won't let anymore read the note he left.. but she told my oldest right after it happened that he said he had done so many wrong things and hurt so many people he couldn't look at himself in the mirror anymore.. she now says that's not true.. BUT I know it's true.. I loved him and so did the kids.. thank God for a man like Peter who I can love much, much more and who loves me and my kids!  A man we can count on.

My Dad

Thinking of my Dad today.. This is the anniversary of his funeral and service.. he's been gone 33 years.. I'm almost the same age as when he died.. gone too soon.. but not forgotten.